Clone Envy
by Bekki
Summary: I want to be what I was when I wanted to be what I am now...
1. Chapter 1

**Clone Envy**

Disclaimer: I a poor one am. Nothing do I have. Freely do I give

A/N: This is a two part ficlet dealing with the aftermath of _Fragile Balance._ The first chapter is from the point of view of the adult Jack O'Neill. The second installment will be from his clone's point of view. Enjoy!

And please review

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_I want to be what I was when I wanted to be what I am now…_

I always wanted to be in the air force. A full bird colonel. Maybe even a general one day. Ever since I was a kid; I wanted to be…well, what I am now.

Quite frankly, it's really not all it's cracked up to be.

A colonel is in charge of his team. Now, I've got a great team, no doubt about it. But I am in charge of them. I am the boss. My decision is the one that counts the most. Which brings about an obvious predicament. I am leading a group of people who are all smarter than me. Carter, obviously knows more about pretty much everything than I do. The few areas of flight and military protocol that I have over her are only minor, and I'm pretty sure she'll catch up to me sooner or later. She's sneaky like that.

Daniel knows about three hundred more languages than I do, including good English. His smarts are not always as on the money as Carter's, but trust me, there's no way I could do what he does.

And then there's Teal'c. He's got the most knowledge of what's out there in the field. He knows about the Goa'uld in a way that none of the rest of us could ever hope to know, or would ever want to know, knowing as we do, what he had to do to gain all that knowledge in the first place.

So here I am, the least knowledgeable of the entire group, leading them into war and making the final decisions that could save or doom our entire planet.

Not exactly what I had thought I would be doing when I was a teenager.

And it's not as though I am really contributing anything special, myself. Like I said, it's only a matter of time before Carter can do everything I can do. She pretty much has the full skills to lead SG-1 herself right now, although I'd hate to think where that would put me. Maybe it would be best. There'd be no grumpy old colonel on missions, no time wasted explaining cultures or technobabble.

And then there's the stiff knees.

When I was a teenager I never thought I'd be this old as a full bird. I had imagined myself as a colonel of thirty five, maybe even forty. I suppose I'd imagined myself as Carter when she makes colonel, 'cause I tell ya, it can't be that long coming. Except of course, I'd imagined myself as a man. And not a geek. And not nearly as disciplined. Or as…never mind.

So here I am. An old colonel who is the least intelligent and physically capable of the team he commands. Except maybe Daniel; in the physical department, I mean. Although even he is getting faster than me. Can you believe it? A space monkey! Even a space monkey with a book permanently attached to his nose and a pair of big honking glasses glued to his face is faster than me.

But to be a kid again. Now that would be something else. No bunged knee. No responsibilities. No rules on what I can wear, how I will look, what I will say, how I will act, who I call sir, what I eat, when I sleep, who I date…

When I was a kid I used to think the world of the military. Now, maybe because I've been there too long, seen too much, the whole concept of military seems stale and, well, khaki. Trust me, after wearing khaki for as many years as I have, you begin to associate everything bland or distasteful with khaki…khaki. Even saying the world feels like vomit on the back of your tongue. Maybe if our fatigues were a pleasant shade of peridot…

I used to think it was honorable to be a man in the military. Honorable to pack heat. Even in my first few years as an airman, I thought I was something special, with a gun on my side.

All that changed with Charlie.

Sure, I've worn a side arm since, but never with any sense that I was someone special for doing so. I have never looked a gun after that and seen honour or pride in my country. It's a long time since I showed any kind of patriotism. Every now and then, just the sight of my P-90 makes me shudder just a little…but not so much any more. Only when I feel like I might be forgetting…forgiving.

But to be a kid again? Now that would change everything. To go back before I last walked through the gate, before I last killed a Jaffa, before I last made a stupid decision, before I last shot a gun, before I lost faith in the military, the government, the planet, myself…

To be a kid again? Now that would be something else.

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	2. Chapter 2

_I want to be what I was when I wanted to be what I am now…_

Myself. I want to be myself again. Not this wacked out, half-teenager, half 50 year old mess that son-of-a-bitch Loki left me as.

I want to be what I wanted to be the first time I was this age.

I want to be a Colonel in the United States Air Force.

Again.

I want to lead my team back through the unknown. I want to feel the thrill getting back at one of those damned Goa'ulds. I want to see the light on Daniel's face when he translates something as mundane as the diary of some hermit on PX-whatever. I want to make the NID squirm, feel my muscles ache after a near-death chase, see Teal'c raise an eyebrow, hear my name on Carter's lips.

I want to know that it wasn't all some terrifying and amazing dream.

I don't know if they realized what they were doing, sending me away to live my life over. I don't think I realized what I was doing. It's not right here. I spend my days sitting in classes that I didn't care about the first time round, wondering if my friends are at that moment, fighting a battle that could end in one of their deaths.

I dream about them. So much that I almost think I'm there, until I wake up and realize that I'm still trapped in a body that I should have almost forgotten how to use.

Granted, the use of both my knees is something I didn't think I'd get back in my lifetime, unless Thor had some amazing arthritis lazer that he was keeping for a rainy day. But being faster and more agile is nothing when I know I'm not doing anything worthwhile. After saving the planet a couple of times, nothing really seems worthwhile.

I go fishing a lot. That used to be the greatest thing in the world, back when I was me. But now it seems out of place. I can't invite Teal'c to go fishing with me and watch as he either pretends to enjoy himself or shows absolutely no expression for the entire weekend. I can't ask Carter to come with me and be amused and disappointed when she says no. I can't go by myself and dream up some crazy scheme involving me, Carter and a curious blackout that I know will never happen anyway; because it's a harsh truth that it will never happen, not the whimsical disappointment I would have felt when I was the 'real me'. I know that I will never have her, and though the 'real me' knows it too, he at least has a chance with her. He has the chance to sort something out. To retire, or transfer. I can't. I don't have that chance. And the other me doesn't even realize it. I can't be with her. It just isn't possible. He, on the other hand, just _won't_ be with her. He doesn't know what he's missing. And chances are, neither of us ever will.

That's the worst part of being what I am. My friends aren't mine. They are the other Jack's. It's almost like something that could have burst from the Quantum Mirror. I'm the Alternate Jack that everybody knows but is really of no consequence, whatsoever. I'm like that other Sam was, trying to find her place, when she knew she didn't really belong there.

At least she had somewhere to go back to.

I have nothing to go back to. Only the chance that when I graduate from high school, I can enlist in the Air force and somehow get back to the SGC. Like that could actually happen. Even if it did, it wouldn't be the same. They wouldn't be there. The Goa'uld might be gone by then. Or they might have enslaved the whole galaxy. Who knows. Teal'c might be back with the Jaffa, Daniel might be living with another ancient civilization offworld and Carter might be married with kids.

And I wouldn't have even turned thirty.

To be a kid again? Not nearly all it's cracked up to be.

But to be me again? I could definitely live with that. Old knees and all.

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